Introduction: Working
with a feeling for sexual differences
(renewed 26-3-2007)
Specific development, specific tasks
What do boys really want? What makes their
lives meaningful? At the moment there is
worldwide much attention for boys falling
behind in education and for their
misconduct. But how about their qualities?
What about our attention for them? Boys
do need more and better attention in
upbringing and education, they hunger for
good and inspiring examples, integrity and
wisdom that is not imposed on them, but
offered in communication and respect.
Just like girls, but otherwise, they are
faced with specific tasks to develop into
balanced adults. They need space and
attention to fulfil these tasks. Too much
space equals neglect. Too much restrictions
and negative attention breeds negative
reactions, grudge and despair.
Contact, eye for their already mastered
qualities, safety, connection with the world
and focus on their future are the keywords.
Of course, setting clear limits can be
necessary, but it's even so important to
make a difference between learning (from
within, leading to self control, makes
proud) and obedience (externally oriented,
costs extra energy, produces dependence and
fosters low self esteem and resistance).
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Nature, environment, stereotyping
XX or XY? After all everyone is different.
Nature is only the raw material with
which boys and girls start their journey in
life. Nurture (care, upbringing,
education and media) anticipates, builds and
reacts on it. Naturally, it doesn’t make
sense to reduce boys and girls to their
biological differences, there is so much
more. Basically it's all about doing justice
to both boys and girls, supporting them to
develop into balanced grown-ups with
responsibility for themselves, towards
others and this our planet, reaching a
meaningful place in this world.
So: no stereotyping, but in raising children
and education it makes sense to have some
feeling for & insight in, and to adjust to
some important average sex and gender
differences in their nature (body including
the brain), the way the environment
influences them and their maturation
process. These differences can be dominant
or not, and turn out differently in each
individual.
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Movement and language
Boys are associated with qualities such as
creativity, being physically orientated, the
instinct to experiment, curiosity and
daring, or they can develop these qualities,
just as girls, but boys are more inclined to
do so. Learning to relax and control their
often strong impulses is very important for
them, as tension and high energy have the
tendency to shut off their higher brain
functions, anticipation and empathy. Their
lingual development - say what you feel,
communicate with words and so getting grip
on your feelings - tends to be slower. It
takes them more time to find the right
words, whereas their movement in space seems
to develop faster. Often asked "What are
you doing there?", they have to account
for their deeds and feel that their words
may turn against them ("Everything you
say can be hold as evidence...") and so
they bluff, lie, wriggle out or even worse:
they refrain from an important developmental
task: language, and by using this:
reflection, getting grip on their own
emotions.
In girls other qualities draw attention like
empathy, communication and verbal
expression. Elements I mentioned for boys
are less conspicuous, but girls can acquire
these qualities as well, sometimes with
extra stimuli (think of self defence, or
learning to make mistakes and learn from
them). Even so boys can - when they are up
to it, thus not forced upon them - acquire
better verbal and communication skills.
Boys do have much to offer - just as girls
do - but they are often portrayed
negatively: they are said to be restless,
unmanageable, school dropouts, they would
behave dangerously or are destructively
aggressive. This portrait does not work,
it's not constructive, it points at the
negative, so reinforcing that aspect. Of
course boys do have their own
responsibility, they can grow towards that,
but sometimes it is as if we blame them for
the effects of our neglect and bad examples.
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Outside influences
No boy is the same, whether it be in terms
of background, culture, temperament or
sexual orientation. Each has an individual
interpretation of his own life and has to
make something of it himself. To a certain
extent, boys have to deal with partially
other tasks than girls when they are
growing up, both in terms of their
disposition, their biological make up in
body and brain and because they have few
close and communicative male models.
They grow up somewhat more irregularly, take
longer to mature into adulthood than girls
and they thus need to be given extra and
sometimes different forms of attention. When
they are up to it they can learn to
communicate better whereas girls for example
can learn to defend themselves also
physical. Boys can and should learn to get
to know themselves and others, see what
suits them, direct their energy into
constructive channels, get connected and
achieve a sense of balance. Women can give
this attention. But boys do also need
positive and near male examples.
Male dominance in the world out there may
seem to favour boys; but they have an
invisible burden on their shoulders. Many
adults know too little about the ways in
which boys do learn and operate in the
world, do not think about their lack of
intimacy, the pressures of work, the media
and market, or of the violence they
experience from each other and sometimes
become part of. It is as if grownup men have
forgotten their own young years. Negative
reactions towards boy's behaviour easily
lead to a vicious circle. The male world
imposes limitations upon them, emphasizes
greed, gives often bad examples and so the
choice to learn to care for themselves and
others is often a difficult one. Spiritual
fulfilment often seems far away.
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What does really matter?
Mankind is heading for disaster if we keep
on focussing on material wealth and
‘economic growth as a flight forward’ and
mixing up show with self acceptation,
self-esteem and self actualization.
Advertisements try to link products with
unfulfilled wishes and needs of people, for
example prestige, belonging, intimacy, self
esteem. A never ending story: real
satisfaction for longer than the ever
shorter product-cycles is the enemy of this
economy. In other words: from advertisements
one can deduce the flaws and shortcomings of
our culture. For example: in a world where
people have satisfying sexual relations, it
would be ridicule to sell cars (or coffee,
or whatever..) with sex.
Upbringing and coaching boys in what really
matters, love for themselves, other people
and enjoying this world, and so taking care
of our environment, instead of duty, guilt,
do's and don'ts..., that is is one of the
manners in which we can turn into a better
way with our planet.
Boys learn differently from girls and they
give in some aspects different contents and
meaning to their lives. Parents, schools and
the media can offer them support by tuning
into what they are already capable of doing,
by challenging them and helping them in
areas which they are just ready for dealing
with. Imposing - where necessary -
limitations on them and confronting them
when they go too far and harm others, gives
boys structure and safety. The distinction
between obedience and learning is here
crucial. Under unsafe conditions, obedience
is a way of coping with stress or threads,
but real learning may suffer. Skills and
knowledge of a higher order will fail here.
Boys with a different background
For boys from ethnic minorities, finding
their own way is even more difficult. Their
religious beliefs sometimes provide them
with inspiration, but major cultural
differences can also be a hindrance. They
are often brought up with little discussion
or negotiations and they may communicate
badly with the still dominant western white
culture. The mutual lack of understanding
arising from this, plus discrimination and
more limited opportunities rapidly lead to a
destructive escalation. Major contrasts
between men and women in the original
culture may stand in the way of equal rights
and a relaxed relationship with girls and
women. We adults must make contact. Poor
opportunities and humiliation will create a
climate in which they become easy prey to
extremists. This places extra requirements
on those who are supervising and sometimes
also disciplining them on their way to an
adult role in this world.
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Fathers
Let the fathers come in, make contact, set
examples and give support. Happily, an
increasing number of adult men are trying to
combine work and care, but there are others
who provide awful examples for boys such as
placing an excessive emphasis on material
prosperity and asocial, corrupt and
sometimes even simply loutish behaviour, on
the street but also high up in government
and corporate business. With the power of
money and the media all around them, the
integrity which boys should be able to
mirror themselves upon is often missing. Yet
the world is at their feet now that the
relationships between men and women are
changing, even though this won’t happen of
its own accord. It is a question of equal
opportunities and – whenever
necessary and useful – attention for
differences in predisposition and
development; no more and no less.
An extended version of the above text can be
found on the following web pages (they can
be printed in view of the length).
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